First Love
by ilyawh
Summary: PJo. AU. Based loosely on Josh and Katie as in I took some facts i knew about them and gave them my own interpratation... Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I, Pacey Witter, am starring in a TV show.

Someone beat the crap out of me so I can wake up. Cause this isn't happening.

Of course, I got the sidekick part. I wanted the main part, but let's get real, I never actually expected to get it. And I read the script: the sidekick part is a lot more fun.

I head towards the studio. We're having some sort of a reunion, the actors and the crew, we're going to know each other.

Oh, God, I got the part! I can't believe I got the part!

I get in and everybody's already there. Am I late? I check the watch. No, I'm just on time. Am I the only one who is actually punctual around here?

"Hi." Some blonde guy heads towards me. He looks nice. Actually everyone looks nice and, God, I'm in a TV show!

"Hi, Pacey Witter, I play Petey."

"Dawson Leery, I play Colby."

"That's cool, we're going to be best friends"

He laughs and I can tell he's nervous too.

"Yeah, we are. We might as well get to know each other."

"Yeah… is this your first time? In a show, I mean"

"No, but it's my first time starring. How about you?"

"My first time ever. I don't even know what got into me, to audition, I never really thought I stood a chance"

"Neither did I but one can hope, right?"

I'm just about to answer but I see HER. By God, she is beautiful… Big brown eyes, long brown hair, long legs and a smile worth a million dollars… and that doesn't even begin to describe her… I get a strange feeling just by looking at her… she seems to be floating around the room.

Dawson notices my looks and smiles: "That's Joey. She plays Sam"

"Sam? She plays Sam? I mean… isn't Sam supposed to be some sort of tomboy?"

"Yeah, I suppose…"

"This woman is a goddess, how could anyone believe her to be one of the guys!"

I can't even breathe properly.

Dawson laughs: "She is pretty, but you know teenage boys don't always go for pretty. they usually go for hot."

"And she isn't hot!"

"I suppose she is… but she is hot in a distant kind of way… she's pretty much the out of the reach type…"

That she is. She is so beautiful that I think I'd be afraid to touch her. And yet I feel inexplicably drawn to her.

"You mind…?" I ask Dawson.

"Feel free."

I head towards her. She notices me and stops in her tracks. She looks a bit lost. I give her my warmest smile:

"Hi, I'm Pacey, I play Petey."

"Joey… I play Sam"

"Wow… we're mortal enemies then"

She finally smiles again and I feel warm and fuzzy.

"Looks like it…"

"So… can I fraternize with the enemy for a while?"

"Well, as long as no-one knows about it, I suppose we could try… it's easier to fight when you know the other's weak points."

She wiggles her eyebrowes and I'm so dead. I can't even feel my legs anymore. Is she flirting with me?

"Ah, so you're trying to take advantage of my friendly mood… that isn't very nice of you"

"Maybe I'm not a very nice girl" she's got that smile again.

By God, this beautiful goddess is standing in front of me, flirting with ME! Please don't wake me up. I love this dream.

"Pacey, Joey, you're up next"

Our first scene together, actually my first scene period, and I'm so excited that I'm pretty sure I'll mess up my lines. Which reminds me… what are my lines? I can't remember my lines!

I stay confused, in the center of the set and I can't remember my lines. Nigel, the producer, comes close to me and says in a parental way:

"Can you remember your lines?"

"Uhm… sort of…"

"Sort of… meaning you don't"

"Well, I remember the theme of the scene but the exact words, no, not so much"

I'm going to get fired. And I didn't even get to shoot a scene.

"Okay, you're going to go there, get in the water with Joey, when I say action you both try to get out, you grab Joey's ass, she's going to react and you go from there"

I'm going to grab her ass… I am going to touch her… Okay, I gotta take breathing lessons otherwise this show thing is not going to last very long…

I get into the water. Brr… say action already, I'll freeze to death here…

"One… two… three… Action!"

Grab her ass. That shouldn't be so hard. I mean who wouldn't want to do that with her?

So I just go for it. She throws me a surprised look – actually half surprised, half amused:

"You did it again, you grabbed my ass"

"Like you even have one"

Stop right there! Where did that come from? She does have an ass. A really cute one, actually.

Cold shower, cold shower… actually no need, cold water all around me… not that it works or anything… Joey gets out, I'm right behind her… wouldn't trade that place with anyone right now.

Dawson is saying something. Is he in this scene too? Oh wait, yeah. He's best friends with both Petey and Sam while Petey and Sam hate each other. That's good, I am remembering the script.

Joey heads for Dawson. That's right, Sam has a crush on Colby and he doesn't know it. The ass! How can you turn down a girl like that?

"…and cut! That's perfect! Let's just do it again for the record"

And for the record, I think it's going to be a very long day and I think I gotta head for the showers as soon as possible.

I am alive and kicking after a day of grabbing Joey's ass. I have to write that down somewhere.

She's so sweet and so funny and so beautiful that I think seriously of kidnapping her, taking her to a deserted island and having my way with her…I mean, hell, who wouldn't, right? Right?

Maybe I should ask her out.

But would she go out with me?

A girl like her with a guy like me… lemme think… errr… nope. Not much chance of that.

So I have to choose between making myself an ass and suffering in silence.

Right.

Suffering in silence it is.

I head for the door and I hear steps behind me. I know it's her. How do I know? I don't know. Maybe it's because Dawson does not walk as gracefully. Maybe because Jen, the fourth star in the constellation, couldn't possibly walk as fast. Jen's the slow and feminine type. Joey's the 'I don't care if I'm feminine and that's exactly why I am' type.

I need a life.

"Pacey!"

Is that my name?

"Pacey!"

That must be it. That must be my name. I turn around. Boy she's beautiful! I gotta find something else to check out. Shoelaces seem tempting right now.

"Where you off in such a hurry?"

'Away from you, straight to a cold shower and a dream world in which you and I are actually a possibility'

"Uhm… I dunno… home probably…"

"Where are you staying?"

"Well, the hotel for now, until I can find a place of my own… money being a bit of a problem right now"

"Wanna grab a bite with me?"

Do I…? Did she just ask me that? The Goddess herself? No way. I'm in desperate need of a wake-up punch just about now.

Ready when you are…

"Uhm, sure… I'm kinda hungry, now that I think about it"

"Good. Do you know any place in this godforsaken town?"

"I might have discovered a small fast-food that seems to be healthier than average…"

Have I mentioned the million dollar smile yet? I'd pay her that just to get to look at her all day. If I could afford it, that is.

"Sounds good. Come on, let's go, I'm starving."

The lady is starving and I am having problems breathing again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Have you ever spent hours just thinking about the right guy?

I know I did.

Considering my not so brood experience with men, I always thought I have too high standards. Cause I didn't manage to like anybody very much. I've even been called 'cold-hearted'. Which is ironic because all I ever wanted was to fall in love… but apparently it's not enough to want it.

I've always had a thing for guys with beautiful smiles. You know, the kind of guy that is not necessarilly extremely handsome but who turns into this really beautiful guy once he starts smiling. I suppose it's because a beautiful smile usually suggests a great personality.

When Pacey first came to talk to me he had this great smile on his face. I didn't notice anything else, just the smile. And it was enough. I knew I liked him the minute I saw him. I hoped he'd be playing Colby, but since I'd already met Dawson by that time I knew he wouldn't. Unfortunatly for me, he plays Petey, the guy I'm least likely to kiss in the show. And that sucks. Cause I'd really love to kiss him.

Of course when he stopped smiling and turned out to be cute anyway, I was lost. I kept levitating around him on the set, trying to get a glimpse of what he really was. He joked all the time and, guess what, his jokes were actually funny. All of them. Or maybe I'm just more hooked than I'd like to admit.

I've always known that I want a funny guy. I couldn't stand being serious all the time. Maybe because I'm such a child inside.

And… the banter… ok, so the banter was part of the show, but even though I know what I said and what he said had been carefully written before by other people who probably thought for hours for each paragraph, I must say it came natural. And the way he looked at me, my God he was so funny. So funny and so cute that I actually fear I'm not going to be believable in my so-called Colby crush. Cause I can't possibly like a guy like that, when I've got a guy like Pacey. Who would?

I read the script and I couldn't believe it. I mean, Colby is supposed to be this God's gift to women kind of guy, because all the girls in the show want him, but the truth is that he's boring as hell. Dawson's ok, he's not bad looking and when he's himself he's actually quite nice. But Colby… I couldn't possibly picture myself falling for a guy like Colby.

So anyway, I asked Pacey to grab a bite with me although I had just finished my sandwich. But I'd eat twice the amount I ate tonight if that would guarantee me a date with him. Hell, I laughed so hard tonight that all the fat I put on by eating was probably eliminated through laughter.

I get to the set. Second day of shooting. We're shooting the pilot. God I hope this does it and gets to be a regular show. It would do wonders for my acting career and I have a feeling that it might just improve my social life too.

I see Pacey standing in the corner, eyes shut. So he's not a morning person. Somehow I suspected that. God he's so cute with his hair all messed up. I hope they don't change it too much, looks much better like that…

"Hey jailbait" I call him by his show nickname.

He opens his eyes and there's that smile again. Oh dear. My heart has gone wild.

"Ice Queen" he winks. I wonder if anyone noticed if I just dragged him into the bushes.

"Had a good night sleep?"

"Not really"

"No? Why not?"

"See, there was this gorgeous lady that I had dinner with that haunted my thoughts and didn't let me sleep"

Oh. My. God. He called me gorgeous. Marry me.

I'm out of words, I'm out of breath and the ground under my feet seems to be slipping away.

"You?"

Me what? Me Joey. You Pacey. Me wants to kiss you senseless right about now.

"Had a good night sleep?"

I'm dumb. I'm making a fool of myself in front of him. That is not such a good idea. Quick, come up with good comeback. Brain stuck. Help.

"Uhm, no… for simmilar reasons"

Don't smile. Don't smile.

He smiled.

"Hey guys" Dawson turns up out of nowhere. Good, I can catch up on my breathing now.

"Hey Dawson. How was your first night in Capeside?"

"Pretty good. I think I'm going to enjoy living here"

"Yeah, me too. Speaking of which, have you found a place to live?"

"I found more than one but I just can't afford any of them."

"Me neither. Is it just me or this town is too expensive for its own good?"

"No, not just you… we could try getting one together, that could work"

Pacey smiles again. I try to look somewhere else, I swear, I try… but it's not working.

"Hey everyone!" Nigel shouts from the other end of the set. "Come on, it's time to start"

End of a long day of bantering with Pacey. And it didn't end when the camera didn't roll. And it was such a turn on… hold on, did I just say that?

I'm gonna admit something to you: I'm 19 and still a virgin. Not technically, technically there was Chris in the junior year. But that didn't feel like sex, it was…. I don't know how I should call it. You know the movie 'never been kissed'? Well, I've 'never been made love to'. Not in the proper sense of the word. No fireworks. The earth didn't move for me yet. Not because Chris didn't try but because it didn't work. I actually considered being a frigid. Really. No-one ever did it for me.

So the prospect of being turned on by someone who has yet to touch me (well, not really, he grabbed my ass a couple of times yesterday… but that was a part right? Not that it felt like one… I actually enjoyed that – just don't tell anybody) is a bit funny to think about. And yet it's true.

You know the whole 'the most erotic part of your body is your brain' stuff? It's true. Really. Who needs touching when you have this whole back-and-forth bantering that keeps going and going until you're going mad…

So… the day is over… and I have yet to want to go further than a few feet away from Pacey. So, you know, who said I can't feel anything was wrong. I actually have stalker tendencies. I practically followed him all day long like a lost puppy. Next thing I know I'll be arrested for sexual harressment. Or something of the sort. Not that I'd mind sharing a cell with Pacey… which I wouldn't if I were his stalker. Stop! Go home! Get sleep! Re-activate brain!

He is approaching. Heart switches to alarm mode.

"Hi" he says softly.

"Hi"

"Have you had a good day?"

"It was ok…" I try not to sound to enthusiastic but my cheeks are burning up. Operation 'play hard to get' going straight to hell.

"You did great"

Operation 'kidnapping Pacey before anyone else realizes what a great guy he is' has entered the planning phase.

"Thanx" my cheeks must be violet by now.

"So, apparently I'm moving in with Dawson"

Small talk. Sounds good.

"Yeah, I heard, good for you"

"What about you?"

"My parents have nicely agreed to support me and bought me a small apartment above the grocery store."

"That's cool. My parents aren't as nice as yours, they decided I need to learn a lesson for not wanting to have a 9 to 5 job... so they pretty much let me on my own."

What a bunch of bastards! I suddenly wish my parents hadn't bought me an apartment so I can move in with him and Dawson. Minus Dawson.

"So…"

"So…"

He stuffs his hands in his pockets. He seems a bit… troubled.

I wish he asked me out. He has to be the one making the first move, he's the guy and everything. And besides if I ask him out I'll never know whether he actually wants to go out with me or not. He'll just come cause he's too nice to say no.

Awkward silence.

"What do you think of the show?" He asks. I clinch my fists in frustration.

"It's very good. I think it's got a pretty good chance"

"Yeah, I think so too…"

Awkward silence phase two.

"So…"

Here we go again…

To hell with it. I've only got one life to live, by the time he asks me out I'll be 80.

"Wanna go out sometime?"

The moment I say it I turn red. And he's got a big grin on his face.

"Wasn't that supposed to be my line?"

"I wouldn't like to have wrinkles on our first date"

He laughs and I'm in love.

"Sure. How about now?"

"Now would be good"

"Let's go."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It's funny how I could always tell when a girl likes me. I've never been wrong. But I'm starting to doubt my abilities. I mean… Joey asked me out and she had all the signs there. And yet… why would she like me? What could she see in me?

I like her. Hell, if this goes on like this I'll turn into an obsessed freak. And I haven't even kissed her yet.

We end up at the same pizza place we went to last night. Only this time it's a date. Officially. Yesterday we were just grabbing a bite. And I don't think she skips the meaning of this, since we haven't said anything to each other yet.

We order and the waitress takes the menu. I wish she hadn't done that, it was a good thing to look at… now I've got my hands… not so good, I've learnt them by heart by now.

"So…" she says.

Here we go.

I smile and I feel like maybe I smile too much. I try to stop but I can't. She's beautiful. Before I can actually think, the words leave my mouth:

"You look beautiful"

And she smiled and I can't take my eyes off of her.

"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

This is not going good. I don't want this to turn into a sappy version of Beverly Hills. This isn't me.

"I know…" I smile in an attempt to joke but it just doesn't sound the way it's supposed to.

She chuckles: "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, can't you see the crowd following me around? It's gotta be the good looks drawing them to me"

"…or maybe they're fighting over who's going to wipe that smug grin off your face first"

"You mean drop dead gorgeous smile… who wouldn't want to see that?"

She throws me a 'you can't mean that' type of look. I put on the 'you know I'm right' smile on. She rolls her eyes. I wink. She blushes. I win.

The waitress brings our orders.

"So tell me about you" I take the safe route.

Joey smiles again.

"What do you want to know?"

'Everything'… ok no need to sound psycho.

"Whatever you care to share"

"I am 18, I have an older sister, my mum's a designer, my father is a salesman."

"How did you get to be an actress?"

"I've always wanted it. Ever since I was a child, I used to watch 'The little house on the prairie' and used to think how cool it was to be paid to be on TV"

"I used to watch that too… just don't tell anyone…"

"Really? You had a crush on Almanzo too?"

I chuckled. "Almanzo? How can I have a crush on someone with a name like that?"

"Hey, I happen to think Almanzo is a pretty cool name… and besides when you have a name like Pacey…"

"What's wrong with Pacey?"

"It's a weird name… does it stand for anything?"

"Is it supposed to stand for anything? It's a name that distinguishes me from the other people around me… that's the purpose of a name in the first place, anyway."

"Yeah, but Pacey…"

"At least I don't have half the crew turning their heads when someone screams my name. When someone says Pacey it's pretty clear they're talking about me…"

"There aren't that many Joeys in the world."

"There are lots of Joeys in the world, just that usually they don't have breasts…"

She looks a bit stunned. Have I gone too far?

Then she starts giggling. I let go of a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

"Okay, so maybe my parents weren't the most original people in the world…"

"That's an understatement…"

"…but at least when you say Joey you know you're referring to a human being. If I didn't know you I could say Pacey was a dog and no-one would even think to think otherwise."

"I've met some dogs named Joey too…"

She sighs in frustration: "Yeah but you've also met people named Joey, right?"

I giggle: "And you've met people named Pacey too…"

"Only you"

"And I'm not part of 'people'?" I fake hurt.

I win again.

"I'm still pondering on that one…"

…or not.

I didn't even touch her yet. And I die to touch her. I don't know, caress her cheek, run my fingers through her hair… have I mentioned how beautiful her hair is? Oh and she smells great.

She's saying something, but I can't quite follow. I believe she's talking about graduating highschool. I was never a big studying fan so I stay out of this conversation.

"Pacey?"

Busted!

"Yeah?"

"Are you listening to what I'm saying?"

"Uhm… sort of…"

"Sort of?" she rolls her eyes.

"Well, I was listening to your voice but… I didn't quite get what you were saying" I try hard not to blush.

I fail.

She seems a bit hurt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bore you…"

I'm stupid and I'm off to shoot myself right after I drop her off.

"See, you weren't boring me… But you have such a beautiful voice that I kinda got lost in its sound…"

That sounds corny. It's true but I gotta come up with something else.

She doesn't have a very trusting face right now.

"Pacey… just because I asked you out, doesn't mean you have to tell me lines…"

"Lines?"

"Yeah. I can tell a line when I hear it, and that was a line."

"That was not a line"

"That was a line"

"It sounded like a line but it wasn't"

She still doesn't believe me.

"I swear. It wasn't a line. You do have a beautiful voice. And beautiful hair. And you smell great. And your eyes are great too… and when you smile your whole face lights up and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen… actually cut that, smile or not, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I said all that in a breath. And trying to prove that I'm not the type to provide lines, I provided her with a whole set of them. They are true, but still lines… and I just blew it up.

She just looks at me. I can't read the look on her face. I'm screwed. She doesn't want to see me anymore.

I'm thinking about leaving the show. Right. I should do that. I mean, I really couldn't be with her every day without thinking what a stupid fool I am.

I'm going to tell Nigel that I got a better offer. Yeah. And then I leave. Right. I'll leave her a letter in which I declare my undying love, apologize a thousand times and hope she'll write me back. We start a nice friendly thing through e-mail. And ten years later we'll meet and I'll be smarter and I'll manage to go on a date with her without screwing up.

She's still silent. Make that twenty years.

We're in front of the grocery store. There's a staircase that leads to her apartment. We stop at its bottom.

"Pacey" she says. Her voice is a bit strange.

"Jo…"

The wind blows through her hair and I know it sounds stupid but I wish that was me…

"I…" she starts.

"It's ok. I know this night wasn't the way you expected it to be"

It was supposed to be fun but my usually funny jokes just didn't make it tonight. It was supposed to prove her what a great guy I am and I just turned up to be a… well, a guy…

"No, it wasn't…"

So leaving the show it is.

She smiles. Why does she smile?

"I felt good, though. It's silly to plan something ahead. When you plan too much something always goes wrong…"

"Jo, we didn't plan anything for tonight…"

"I did. I mean once we were headed for there I decided I was going to say and do a lot of things and that I was going to be the funniest person you ever met and I was going to impress you."

"You already have, the first time we met." I say softly. My heart is beating really really fast as she looks into my eyes. She is so beautiful… My hand finally lifts to touch her hair, my other hand touches her cheek… her skin is softer than I thought.

Her eyes call for me, her lips call for me, her hands reach out for me.

I kiss her softly, I try to be tender, I try to be a complete gentleman, but she tastes so good and she smells so good and her hands are holding me so tight that it soon turns into a heavy make-out session.

I hear steps and take an abrupt step back. She looks at me again. She's all red but her eyes are smiling.

"Hey guys" Dawson says in an unsure tone.

"Hey D" I sigh and turn to him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt" he smiles. He saw us. Who cares? I kissed Joey, Joey kissed me back and she doesn't look like she's sorry yet…

"It's ok, it's late anyway", Joey says. "Good night"

"Good night" we both say and she just leaves us there.

"Breathe, man" Dawson winks at me.

"I can't." I say in all sincerity.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

On my way to the third day of filming, I still don't know how to behave. We kissed, that's for sure. No, scratch that, we had a grope fest. Before that, he had a whole speech that led me to believe that he likes me. I mean, yeah, I'm trying to tell myself 'anyone can talk' but the truth is that he speaks beautifully so I tend to believe him…

Now what? Are we dating? Are we an item? Should I go kiss him once I see him? Should I ignore him? Should I act like we're good friends that don't kiss…?

"Joey?"

There's Jen, my other enemy in the show. She's actually pretty nice, although I didn't get to talk to her much due to my heavy stalking of another co-worker. But she seems nice and I need someone to talk to.

"Hey Jen"

"You look a bit… far away…"

"Yeah… see… I have a tiny problem…"

"Want to talk about it?"

She's perceptive. She's really perceptive. Should I talk to her? I don't know her. She could be a real bitch. But she's got a great smile and that, according to my code, means she's nice. And I really need someone to talk to.

"See there's this guy…"

"Pacey"

"Uh…. Is it that obvious?"

"You two kind of sniffle around each other, yeah…"

I'm looking at her for any signs of irony. Nope, none of that. She's got a nice friendly smile and my walls are cracking.

"See, we went out last night."

"That's great. How did it go?"

"It was weird… I mean, I wanted to impress him but kept saying stupid stuff… and he…"

"He did the same."

"Exactly."

"But did you feel right with him?"

"Yes, I felt great with him! I mean, he's a really great guy… But…"

"But you're not sure he felt the same…"

"I don't know… I'm pretty sure he did feel something since we kind of kissed in the end…"

Jen smiled.

"Cool. So what's the problem?"

"See… we were interrupted by Dawson and… we didn't get to talk about it… and I don't know where we stand…"

"So basically you're wondering if you should kiss him this morning once you get to the studio."

"Yeah" I blush but I also have a huge grin on my face.

"Do you want to kiss him?"

"Yeah!" I say a bit too enthusiastically.

Jen laughs.

"Then maybe you should."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure we're actually… together…"

"Well he kissed you for a reason. If you're not together yet I think it's pretty obvious that you both want to be…"

That sounds good. Okay, so I felt something alike myself, but hearing from someone else that Pacey wants to be with me feels good. I really like Jen, I think she's my new best friend.

"I don't want to rush things" I say hoping that she'll argue with me and give me a really good reason to kiss him. Well, besides the obvious, the fact that I really want to…

"You should do what it feels right. There are couples that get married after ten days and last a lifetime. Rushing things means hurrying into doing things you don't want to do… but if it feels right, you should do it."

I turn a happy face towards her. "Yeah I should kiss him. I'll do that"

"You look really happy"

"I am. I never liked anyone as much as I like him… I feel like…"

"You're going to explode of happiness?"

"Yes! Does that sound stupid? I want to shout to the world that I like Pacey Witter!"

"It doesn't sound stupid. That's how I felt when I first met my boyfriend"

I'm so happy that she has a boyfriend that she likes. I mean, everyone should be happy, the world is a beautiful place.

"Tell me about your boyfriend"

"He's a prick" she says but she smiles. Is that some sort of teasing they do with each other?

"…but you mean that in a good way?"

"Yes, definitely in a good way" she laughs and she gets a happy look herself. You can tell she's really in love with him.

"How did you guys meet?"

"We met in the senior year of high school. He transferred from New York"

"Where are you from by the way?"

"I'm from Boston. You?"

"Boston too… wow!"

"Yeah…"

"So tell me more about… your boyfriend."

"His name is Drue. I liked him the first time I saw him but I thought he was a prick."

"Why?"

"He's the kind of guy that makes fun of everyone. It took me a while to realize that he means well and that he's not after hurting anybody. He just wants to have fun, you know."

"Pacey makes fun of everyone too"

She laughs: "Yes, he does."

"So what happened?"

"Basically we made fun of each other for a while and suddenly he asked me out. I wanted to say no but I couldn't… he was just too cute for words"

I think of Pacey again. He's cute too. Oh, get a grip. Stop thinking about him. Listen to Jen. Become normal again.

"…and?"

"And we've been going out ever since. He's still a prick but he's my prick."

That sounds so sweet. I want Pacey to be my prick.

We reach the set. I'm nervous. Maybe I shouldn't kiss Pacey. Maybe I should watch out for his reaction.

Or maybe I should just wait for him since he obviously isn't here….

He's half an hour late. Where is he?

Nigel seems a bit nervous himself:

"Where is Witter?"

"He had a late night, maybe he slept in" Dawson says and grins at me. It's a friendly grin but I don't like what it's implying. I wish Pacey were here.

He shows up almost the next moment. Yeah, he slept in, I can tell he didn't even wash his face. His eyes are half closed.

"Where have you been, Witter?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep until morning and I couldn't wake up…" he mumbles.

"Fine, just don't let it happen again. Being an actor is a job like any other, you have to turn up in time if you want to get paid."

He nods and looks so lost and so cute that I get all warm and fuzzy.

"Go brush your hair and let's shoot this. The movie scene. You're all in Colby's room." Nigel starts to explain.

I have to sit next to Dawson, Jen sits on the other side of Dawson and Pacey is in the exact opposite corner. Why is Petey isolated? He's supposed to be Colby's best friend, but Colby always ditches him and leaves him in the sides. That's unfair to say the least.

Our eyes meet and he smiles. He managed to arrange a bit of his hair but it's still messed up. Of course messed-up-hair-Pacey means cute Pacey and I can't help smile back.

"And… action!"

There we go. I start begging for Colby's attention, Colby is wrapped up in Amy and Petey is trying to get noticed but fails miserably. That's what the scene is all about. Then Petey leaves to find someone who actually talks to him. Stupid Colby!

We film this a dozen times and I'm getting sick of it, I didn't even get a chance to say a word to Pacey. Sam is making fun at Petey and I wink at him at some point while saying my lines. That was the best communication we've had.

"Okay, guys, you got to change for the next scene"

I head towards the cabins slowly. My good mood from this morning has completely evaporated. I am totally and utterly frustrated, just like my character, actually. I should get an Oscar for this part since I should be able to play it so well.

Oh wait, they don't give Oscars for TV shows. Bummer.

Now I really know there's no point for this.

A pair of arms squeeze me from behind and my sense of purpose is back.

"Hey Potter, where you off to?"

"I… I don't know…" I say, totally enraptured in the sense of him holding me.

"Well, before you get there, do I get to kiss the most beautiful girl on the set?"

No need to ask me twice. A kiss with Pacey Witter is a must in order for my day to go well.

I smile at him and he kisses me and the grope fest is back.

"Joey?"

The unfortunate to interrupt us this time is Jen.

"Sorry…" she grins "… I thought you should know that everyone's looking for you. We have a scene to tape"

"Right."

One small peck on Pacey's lips, strong resistance towards the temptation to go back to grope-mode and off to the cabins I am.

No need to analyze everything. My life is good.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Moving in with Dawson time. We managed to find a place pretty close to Joey's so I think it's going to be great. Not that I tried too hard to find a place close to Joey's. It just happened. I mean I didn't want that house on the beach because it was too… uhm… it was too big for me and Dawson. Way too big. I don't like staying in a big house. Makes me feel lonely. Small is better. See? Nothing to do with the fact that it was half an hour from Joey's place. Nothing at all.

So now it's time to move in. Not that I have many stuff to move in from the hotel room to the house, but Dawson insisted we take the whole day off so that we can arrange everything, establish some house rules and everything.

Now, me and house rules, we're not exactly friends. My dad had some and I never could get myself to respect them. Then I moved in with Doug, my elder brother, and yeah he was a bit nicer but his rules sucked just as much. Excuse me if I didn't quite want any more of that.

So here we are. My room is totally empty since I don't exactly have money to buy a bed. I managed to get a matress but it's not exactly my idea of comfortable so instead of taking Joey out on a date for my first paycheck, I'll have to settle for a bed. Dawson's a bit luckier than me, he managed to convince some neighbour to give him one. How can you just give a bed? And, ugh, how can Dawson take it? I mean, who knows what happened in that bed!

I'm not envious that he gets to sleep in a bed and I don't. Really. That's not like me, I never envy anyone.

So, back to house rules.

"OK, I think we should have some ground rules, nothing too fascist" Dawson says with an empty sheet of paper in front of him. So far so good.

"Not fascist sounds good."

"We don't get into each other's rooms without knocking."

D'oh!

"Ok."

He writes it down. I thought that was common sense, but then again, who knows where Dawson lived before?

"How about food? Do we each have our food or do we share?"

"I think we should share…"

"Yeah I think so too… I mean, I'm not much of a label type of guy."

I chuckle. Somehow a mental image of me and Dawson fighting over green and red labels came to mind. Not that Dawson is the label type of guy cause he's not. He seems pretty cool and laid back.

"So, maybe we should take turns in shopping, since I'm not the shopping type either and something tells me neither are you…"

"You got that right."

"Okay, we got that figured out… Take turns in shopping" He writes down carefully.

"What about… girls?" he says.

Okay, sensitive area up ahead.

"Well…" I try to start but I fail cause I can't think of anything to say.

"I mean, you obviously have Joey and I might have a girlfriend now and then too."

I snicker.

"Could happen" I try to stay cool but we just end up giggling.

"So…?"

"How about we stick it to our rooms and try to be private and everything?"

"That should work"

Anything left? Can I call Joey and ask her to review my newest acquisition now?

"Uhm… bathroom? Cleaning, washing and everything?"

Ugh. The really nasty part.

"Well… uhm… I'm not really the cleanest guy on the planet" I try to make myself sound good.

He smiles: "…well me neither, but there's a limit to the amount of dirt I can handle."

"Ok, so when it gets too bad we clean… and we take turns"

"Fine."

Doesn't sound like we'll have a very clean place. Well, unless we get a maid. Which we can't afford. Great.

Dawson writes down again.

"How about when a new rule comes up we write it down? I mean, we can't possibly think of every possibility there…"

"Sure. I'll just place this in the kitchen."

"Okay."

"Oh… how about common furniture?"

"Sorry?"

"I mean, the living room, the kitchen and the bathroom… that we share…"

"Oh… we pay half, right?"

"Yeah, but what if we don't agree on it?"

"You think too much Dawson. I don't care what kind of furniture I have as long as it holds"

"Fine"

"Trick or treat" Joey comes in with two bags.

"Uhm… how about treat?"

"Treat sounds good" she takes out some italian food out of the first bag.

"What if I had said trick?" I get closer with a wicked smile on my face.

"Well, I guess you'll never know now, will you?" She smiles back widely.

"Can't I have a peek?"

"Nope"

"Please"

"Nope"

I try to steal the second bag but she's too quick for me.

"Damn it, woman, I'm curious here! What if I give up on the treat, can I have the trick?"

"No, you already made your choice. You can't turn back time. It's not realistic."

"Who gives a dime on realistic? I just want to know!"

"No" she takes the second bag and throws it on the window. Okay that had me stunned. She looks quite pleased with herself, may I add. I look out the window, damn, she's good. The bag is in the trash can. Mental note to check trash later.

"You're not actually thinking of checking the trash later, are you?" She has an inquisitive look. This is spooky. I mean we only went out, like, three times and she can read my mind!

"No" I say innocently.

"Right" She picks up on my act.

"Right" I say even more innocently. I have to distract her. "Can I have that treat now?"

"You have to wash your hands, while I lay the table."

Wash my hands? What is this, junior high?

"Uh… How about you wash your hands, since you're the one who comes from outside and I lay the table, since I am the host."

"And because you are the host you get to eat with dirty hands."

"Hey, I resent that! I'll have you know I wash my hands frequently! And they are cleaner than yours right now."

She raises her hands towards me. Have I ever mentioned she has beautiful hands? Cause she does. I just take her hands in mine and I have this silly impulse on kissing them. And I act upon it.

"What are you doing with my dirty hands?" Joey raises an eyebrow suggestively. To hell with dinner.

"I am cleaning them" I grin and start kissing her up arm. Joey takes a step back, I follow her, never actually separating from her arm. She takes another step back. I follow.

She's against the wall now and my mind is light years ahead of the body. I start kissing her neck.

"Pacey what about dinner?" she breathes heavily.

"I decided to choose my own treat."

Joey giggles and, boy, I never thought I'd say this, but giggling is sexy.

"Ahem. Rule number three" Dawson intrudes yet again. We stop and stare at him.

"What's this? Italian? I love Italian!"

"Great, we can share." Joey says enthusiastically and I try hard not to grab a knife and stick it into Dawson. Not that I hate him or anything… but the guy has an awful timing.

I sit down at the table next to Joey.

"So…" Dawson starts. Great. Dinner conversation. Just my thing.

"So what do you think?" I take Joey to my room.

"It's… uhm… empty" she tries hard to sound like she's not criticizing.

"Yes, but don't you see the possibility here?"

"Oh yeah. Lots of possibility. Like the possibility of getting a cold by sleeping on the floor…"

"I do have a matress…"

"You're too close to the floor"

I take it that excludes the possibility of her sleeping on that matress. Boy, I do need to get a bed. Don't get me wrong, not that I want her too bad… which I do… But it's not like it's everything I want from her. Not that I can think of anything else right now.

Okay, I'm 19. I'm a guy. Don't blame me for thinking about sex. It's up there with eating and breathing on my list of priorities. Not that I want to rush Joey into it, or anything, we haven't even talked about it yet. But I'd say, by the way we can't seem to keep our hands off each other whenever we're in each other's presence, that the desire is mutual. Whether or not she wants to act upon that desire, that's another question.

It's time for her to leave and I walk her to the door. And I kiss her good night. She tastes like tomato sauce. And I love tomato sauce. And I want to have more of it.

And there we go again against the door, my mind leaves my body, my body acts instinctively and…

I hate Dawson.

"I take it you and house rules don't get along too well…" he says from behind me.

After Joey left I tore down the piece of paper from the kitchen wall.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The pilot has been shot and sent to TV stations. And it has been accepted. That means me and Pacey will work together for at least a year. Talk about commitment. Not that I'm freaked. But what if it turns bad? I like him a lot and he seems to like me too… but what if he likes to keep his socks dirty? Or something like that… and we decide we can't be together and then we have to work together…?

So I'm insecure. A bit.

We're in the studio, all gathered to talk and sign contracts and everything. Pacey is late… again… he sits next to me and grabs my hand.

We never discussed public behaviour. I have always hated it in my highschool when I saw people kissing or making out in my line of sight. And that had nothing to do with the fact that I was unsatisfied with my love life. It's just that I'm not a very public person. And the fact that Pacey is holding my hand… it's making me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

So are we an item now? Do we just rise and say to everybody "Hey guys, we're going out" or do we just let them figure out for themselves? I mean, Jen knows, Dawson obviously knows… and I think that's it…

Would Nigel mind me and Pacey? I mean in the show we're supposed to not be able to stand each other, right? Maybe he'll think that we won't be able to act that properly if we actually go out.

The last week was so great. It was a bit of a holiday for us actors who had done our job and waited for some television to accept our show. Pacey and I went out every day for at least three or four hours. And it was great, most of the time I never wanted to leave. But that brings out another question.

Personal space.

I mean, I'm no loner or anything, but personal space is important. I need to occasionally spend time alone. Not that I didn't get to spend time alone. I did. Three or four hours a day with Pacey and then twenty hours by myself. But I can't help thinking that we'll be working together for a long time and for longer hours every day and maybe I won't feel like going out with him after I've seen him all day.

Not that I got tired of Pacey. Cause I haven't. But that's always been the problem with me. Whenever I started going out with a guy I ended up getting tired of him and needing my space. And I'm scared.

I haven't heard anything Nigel said. God, do I think too much?

He sits down next to me and smiles.

"Is everything okay?"

Do I have "problem" written all over my face?

"Yeah, it's okay" I try to smile back but I can kinda tell it's not the most natural smile I've ever put on. His smile turns to bitter.

"Okay"

He gets up to leave and I can't let him go. I'm talking about personal space but when he's around, space is the last thing of my mind. Actually I want the least possible amount of space between us.

I grab his hand and he looks at me questioningly.

"I'm freaked out okay? I don't know where we stand, I don't know what we're supposed to tell the others and I don't know how they'll take it."

"Do we have to tell anybody?"

I must have a strange look cause he feels the need to explain.

"Not that I want to keep it a secret cause I don't. But it is not our obligation to tell everyone everything that happens to us. Our life is our business and no-one else's."

He does have a point.

"So what do we do? We confine ourselves to enclosed spaces whenever we feel like kissing?"

"Why would we want to do that?"

"So that they don't know. So that we keep our life our business…"

"Joey, you're going over the top with this one. I did say I don't want to keep it a secret. But that doesn't mean I want to report it to anyone. We'll just act naturally and they'll figure it out for themselves."

"How can I act naturally when everyone is staring at me?"

It sounds so simple and yet it can't be that simple. Nothing in life ever is.

"No-one is staring at you, Joey. Not that you don't deserve to be stared at, but they all have better things to do than stare at you."

Have I ever told you about Pacey's smile? He's all kinds of cute all the time, but when he smiles he's got this playful spark in his eyes and I just melt looking at it.

"Witter! Your time to sign!" Nigel's voice shouts from the other side of the room.

Pacey winks at me and goes. And I'm all kinds of on fire right now.

Some sort of party. I hate parties. And Pacey is nowhere to be found. I really hate parties. Or at least parties for the sake of parties. No, scratch that. I just hate parties. I gotta be nice to everyone and if I'm not forcing myself to have fun everyone will think of me as some sort of… well, Ice Queen.

"Joey! Over here!"

There's Jen. Good. Someone I can call a friend. She's sitting there with a dark-haired blue-eyed guy who would be good looking if I didn't think of Pacey all the time. Where is Pacey, anyway?

"Joey, this is Drue, Drue, this is Joey."

Ah. Drue. The prick. Jen's prick. Cute.

"Hi Drue" I give him my best smile.

"Joey" he solemnly says my name and I have a feeling he's mocking me.

"Drue" I try to immitate his tone but I can't help giggling. Jen giggles with me. Drue plays superior human being who cannot be bothered with trivial matters.

"Ladies"

Jen and I are laughing out loud. Don't ask me why cause he definitely did not say anything funny. And I was in a bad mood five seconds ago. Where is this coming from?

Pacey shows up out of the blue and he's not alone. My laughter dies out as I look at the blonde who is obviously eyeing him. A dumb blonde, no doubt about it. Go away!

"What's so funny?"

"I don't know, your friend here seems to be on something. I greet her and she starts laughing" Drue plays offended. "What is happening to youngsters nowadays? Where are the manners and the handshakes?"

Jen takes his hand and shakes it hard.

"There. Handshake. Satisfied?"

"Too little too late, Lindley. This young lady over here is laughing at me and I cannot bare it."

Now, normally I would enter this game with him and enjoy it. But who the hell is that blonde? All giggly and all eyes on Pacey. She hasn't even said a word but she must be dumb. I'll have it no other way.

Pacey engages in a playful conversation with Drue and I can't hear a thing. My eyes are on that blonde whose eyes are on Pacey. She occasionaly laughs a soft laugh and batters her eyelashes. Pacey's not even looking at you, you little slut! Stop doing that!

Jen seems to be amused about something.

"Jealousy…" she starts humming in my ear.

"I'm not jealous" I whisper through gritted teeth.

"Joey, you could be green and it wouldn't be more obvious. Now go over there and claim your man."

"Claim my man?"

"Yes. Take him by the hand. Kiss him on the cheek. Something to let her know that the seat is taken."

"But… we're not a very public kind of couple…"

"Public couple? What's that?"

"You know, the kind of couple that you see kissing and mauling all the time… And holding hands all the time… we kinda like to keep it to ourselves, no need to show off our… thing…"

"Thing"

Jen raises an eyebrow and I know she's onto something but I'm not sure what that something is.

"Thing" I mumble and the blonde is still battering her eyelashes. She's not even that pretty, she has this huge nose.

"Thing" Jen says back to me. What is it with that word? Stop saying it! It's a word, nothing more.

Pacey and Drue are laughing at something Drue said. And the blonde started laughing too.

"Careful, you're turning green"

"Is this amusing to you?" I snap at her.

"Yes, kind of. It reminds me of me."

"Of you?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone about my… uhm… thing with Drue… cause we had fought for so long, I thought it would seem funny that we were going out… the thing about this kind of tactic is that it tends to backfire. You're free but so is he… and that is a problem…"

And then suddenly the lights are on in my head and I realize what I'm doing. I have a great guy. He's funny, he's good looking, he's smart and he cares about me. Why wouldn't I want to tell anyone that he's mine?

Is he mine?

Does he want to be mine?

He seems to be aware of my turmoil cause he turns to me and smiles. And all my fears are gone again and he's all I want.

And I solve all my problems with a kiss. Sometimes things are that simple.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Man, I didn't think it could get any bitchier than my girlfriend but yours is the bitchiest of bitches" Drue took another sip of beer.

"I like them bitchy" I smile cockily and drink some myself.

Drue chuckles.

"Me too, man. Me too"

I like Drue. He's exactly the type of misunderstood prick that always tries to do everything right but messes it up that I could get along with. Too bad he lives in Boston. I could be best friends with him.

I never had a best bud to watch football with.

And that had nothing to do with the fact that I hate football.

"Hey, check that out. My bitchy girlfriend and your bitchy girlfriend… three o'clock"

He's a little tipsy at the moment. I'm holding up pretty well though.

I hope.

"Guys, you do know you're underaged, right?" Joey looks at us critically.

"That's just a technicality. No-one gives a damn anyway"

"I do"

Somehow I think she's not enjoying the image of her boyfriend drinking beer with a tipsy guy he doesn't know.

Wait. Am I her boyfriend?

"Oh come on, Potter, lighten up. What's a drop of alcohol between friends? This is beer, anyway, light as a feather!"

I get up to prove my point. Okay, exactly sober I am not but I can walk and I take a few steps to prove it.

"See? Sober as a nun"

I pull her towards me to give her a kiss but she makes a scandalised face.

"You stink"

I can't help but chuckle. The bitchiest of bitches she is. And man do I like bitches.

"Why, Josephine, that is not a nice thing to say." Drue giggles inbetween sips.

"I am not feeling very nice right now" she glares at me. I am starting to think she's serious.

"Fine. No more beers. See?" I empty the can in front of her. She seems surprised. Maybe she wasn't serious after all.

"No beer. I mean why would I need beer? I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. Beer just doesn't cut it" I say with a proud smile.

She doesn't seem too impressed by my compliment.

"Your charm isn't very effective tonight, Witter", Drue winks at me.

"Neither is yours, Valentine" Jen finally decides to speak up. "Now stop interfearing in other people's business and let me walk you home"

"Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?"

He's looking at me but my mind is in no shape to provide an answer.

"Well, I've never been one to care about how things are supposed to be" Jen is practically dragging him now. She's one hell of a girl, Jen.

"Night Witter! Don't forget about me!" Drue is tripping on his words.

I can't help laughing and I sit back on the bench where we stood earlier.

"This is not funny, Pacey."

"Oh come on, I'm not as bad as he is."

"You're drunk."

"No I'm not, I'm just a bit… cheerful…"

She half smiles at me. She's beautiful in the moonlight. I know I've said this before, I know I am a sappy old shmuck but I can't help looking at her and admiring her beautiful face. What does she want with me?

"So when you said I stink did you mean that literally or figuratively?"

"Both. You smell like beer from miles away"

"So I guess a tiny kiss would be out of the question"

"Until you eliminate the smell, yeah."

"That breaks my heart, Josephine."

"I'm sure you'll live"

"Ah, the Ice Queen speaks again!" I get up and bow before her. "I am thy humble servant and promisse that I shall not kiss thou until I eliminate the nasty smell that follows me around."

There's another can of beer that has my name on it on the ground. But Joey's got a good eye.

"You might wanna start by eliminating the source of the smell" she grins mischieviously and spills the can.

"I… I can't believe you did that! That's 5$ worth of beer in there! 5$! And you spilled it just like that! You have no sense of value"

"Come on, Scrooge, let's get you home"

"I am wise to you, queenie, you're trying to change the subject. But, no, it's not working! You owe me 5 bucks!"

She's throwing me that look again. She is not at all pleased with my performance. I'm drunk! I can't do any better!

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to give such a devastating blow to your finances. Are you coming or are you gonna sit there and mourn your beer?"

My head is twice the size of a bowling ball.

How much did I drink anyway?

It's not like I was drunk! I remember everything!

Which reminds me…

Joey's next to me.

On my matress.

In my bedroom.

In my apartment.

I can't breathe.

She's sleeping next to me.

On my matress.

I know, I said that already.

It's just that… you know… she's sleeping next to me!

And by the looks of it she's been here all night.

I spent the night with Joey.

"Go back to sleep, Pacey. It's not even 8 am" she mumbles.

Okay so asleep she is not.

"I can't. My head hurts" I whine and place my head back on the pillow.

"And whose fault is that, king of beers?"

"Drue's of course"

"Of course"

"He said one beer. No more. Just one"

"And of course when he handed you the second one you didn't think to turn him down"

"I felt for the guy. Here he was all alone in a town he didn't know and his girlfriend all wrapped in a conversation with you. What did you talk about anyway?"

"Girl talk. And don't change the subject."

"It wouldn't have been nice of me to turn him down. What girl talk?"

"You know, the kind of talk girls have and don't share with boys. And you, Pacey Witter, are by no means a nice guy."

"I so am! Did you mention me?"

"This is not even worth talking about. And you are not the center of the universe."

"Are you implying I am not nice? And not only that but I am not the most important thing that you could mention in a conversation?"

"I am not implying anything, I believe I already affirmed it. And you have too much self esteem."

"No such thing as too much self esteem. Come on, what did you talk about me?"

"I am too tired for this. Go back to sleep"

She turns on the other side and I am confrunted with the beautiful sight of her behind.

"Have we just had our first fight?"

"SLEEP!"

Silence.

"I like fighting with you, Josephine."

"If you don't shut up, you will see what a fight really is soon enough"

"There's light outside! I can't sleep when there's light outside!"

"I find that so hard to believe when you're late for ever shoot we have because you oversleep."

"I correct that. I can't fall asleep when there's light outside. If I am already asleep it's a lot easier."

"Then pretend you never woke up" she mumbles and I can tell she's already half asleep.

Silence again.

"You do realize you spent the night on my matress. With me"

She's facing me again. I can tell she doesn't like me very much right now.

"If you tell anybody about this I'll kill you"

"I don't have to tell anybody. You just gotta get out of this room and Dawson will see you anyway. I just wanted you to be aware of that."

"Fine. I am aware. Can I sleep now?"

"By all means. It's not like I'm the reason you're not sleeping."

"I hate you."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

So I spent the night with Pacey last night. I mean, no, I didn't, I didn't sleep with him. We just spent the night in the same bed. Actually, no, we spent the night on the same matress cause the lazy git doesn't want to buy a bed yet. Or maybe he doesn't have money. And I think I'll really hate him when I'll be old and grey and I'll swear on him for the aches in my back that I will most definitely get for sleeping so close to the floor.

I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't have stayed. He made a fool of himself last night, right? I mean, he got drunk in front of the whole studio! And I am dating him! But, oh dear, and this is going to be the death of me, he is soooo cute when he's drunk! I can't help it! He's too cute for words! He has that cute little smile and that sparkle (well, no, not necessarilly a sparkle, more like a light in the fog…) in his eyes, his very confused eyes that kept asking me "Did I do anything wrong?". How can I refuse a guy like that?

So I stayed. He fell asleep instantly but I couldn't. The moonlight was on his face. And he looked like a child. A cute little child (I know, I know, I am calling him cute too much and I know he'd hate it but he is! It's not my fault he's cute). And he smiled. He smiled while he was sleeping. I wonder what he was dreaming of… then again maybe I don't…

I just stood there watching him and I had this weird sensation inside me that everything was going to be ok. No matter how drunk he gets, no matter how much of an ass he can be sometimes, everything is going to be ok. Just seeing that smile of his makes me feel better. And that's when I realized I'm in love with him. And that scared the shit out of me.

This is what it feels like. That thing that I waited for so long to feel. I felt it while staying on a matress, a not so comfortable mattress mind you, looking, or no, staring, psychotically staring, at a drunk guy who's sleeping. My heart was beating at a normal rate, my breathing was pretty normal too, I didn't feel any different. Except I was in love. With a cute drunk guy.

It's unlike me not to think about it. So of course I started wondering what is it about him that makes me feel that way without him even trying too hard, while so many other guys tried and failed. I came up with no answer there. And I'm not used to not having any answers. I am the same person that talked everything to death with Bessie every night before going to sleep and solving every problem I had during the day. And this is not just any question, this is an important question. What made me click?

After about an hour I started wondering when I started feeling like this. Cause the butterflies in my stomache were there before I realized what I meant. I spent minutes trying to remember the first time I felt the butterflies and after a lot of debating inside my mind I realized it started when he smiled at me for the first time. That was the first time I met him. So I fell in love with him the first time I met him. Wow, I thought I didn't believe in love at first sight. Another myth shattered by the boy with the blue eyes. My world did turn upside down in the past month.

Just before finally falling asleep I remember thinking how much I liked his smile. I am obsessed with his smile. Scratch that. I am obsessed with him.

So I am all alone on Pacey's matress. He probably went to eat. In the few weeks that went by since we started dating I got to notice his eating habits a bit and… you really don't wanna know.

I get up and check my reflection in the window. I never liked myself too much, but Pacey thinks I'm beautiful. I've been told I'm beautiful before but it always sounded like a line to get me in the sack. This is the first time I believe that a guy believes it when he says it. Of course, I don't believe it myself, but it's a start.

Well, I look pretty much like the usual. My hair could use a brush right now, but I think this is the best I can do. Let's go and face the world.

Pacey's in the kitchen with his head on the table. For a second I think he's asleep but he's not. He just has a terrible headache which makes me wonder how many beers could he possibly have drunk.

"Good morning, Josephine" he mumbles without rising his head. How did he know it was me?

"How did you know it was me?"

"Dawson doesn't walk as soft as you do…" That's sweet.

"How's your bowling ball doing?"

"It's still a bowling ball. And I think it has some explosive too in there somewhere. I swear my head is gonna burst any minute now."

This would be funny if it weren't. But then again it is.

"What do we have for breakfast?" I say nonchalantly.

"I don't know, there's gotta be an egg in there somewhere" he says, his finger rising lazily and pointing to the fridge.

"An egg? A raw egg?"

"No, we usually boil the eggs when we buy them and then we place them in the fridge cause we like them rotten"

"Pacey, I don't eat raw eggs."

His head has finally lifted from the table and his fuzzy eyes stare me with disbelief.

"Well, Josephine, you can boil one…"

"I am in your house and I'm supposed to make my own breakfast?"

"Do I look like a personal chef to you?"

"No, you look like a host" I take an egg from the fridge and hand it to him. "There. You boil it. I'll go take a shower."

"Easy there, miss Josephine. I can hardly see your hand, let alone that thing you have in it. If you want it edible you'll have to boil it yourself."

There's more than the egg to this thing and I'll win it if it's the last thing I do.

"It would be unproper of me to use your cooking ustensils while I am in your house as a guest."

"But you are not just any guest, you are my girlfriend"

"So that gives you the right to turn into lazy boyfriend on me and let me make breakfast. What's next? House cleaning?"

"Well if you insist…"

He's joking and I know he's joking and I know this is one of the banters we picked from the show but I act like I'm not aware of it.

"I can't believe you Pacey Witter. I am your girlfriend not your housewife. I insist you boil the egg."

I think he forgot all about the headache by now. He's got a defiant look on his face and I know this is going to take some work. Oh hell, it's a Sunday I have all day.

"It is not written anywhere that the boyfriend's attributes include making breakfast for girlfriend. I dare you to find anything that proves otherwise."

"Well if said boyfriend wants to remain in the boyfriend status with said girlfriend he'd better or else…"

"…she'll find someone who can cook? That excludes half of the male population, at least."

I hate to be interrupted.

"She. Will. Find. A. Guy. Who. Understands. The. Meaning. Of. Basic. Manners." I say patiently although patience is the last thing I feel right now.

"Yeah but new boyfriend might lack some attributes that made old boyfriend valuable."

"Yeah like what?"

He wiggles his eyebrowes at me. He cannot possibly get a sexual innuendo in a discussion about eggs!

"Like what?" I ask again.

"Okay, I see said girlfriend needs demonstration of said boyfriend talents. And said boyfriend is happy to oblige said girlfriend and demonstrate." He grins and he kisses me.

This is not going too well for me. I can't think properly with his tongue in my mouth.

Yeah but I'm enjoying myself.

So… should I let him win?

I have to say he does have some talents…

He stops.

"Need I demonstrate further?" he winks and I'm all weak in the knees.

"Okay, so that's one talent…" I try really hard to win this. I hate being defeated. I have to show him who's boss.

He raises an eyebrow and I just realize that the talent demonstration could go even further and I have to say I'm not sure I have a problem with it.

He kisses me again and I try hard to measure the time that passed since we first dated. Is this too soon?

Argh to hell with it.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Tomorrow is the show's six months anniversary. Actually, not really, just six months since we shot the first scene basically, cause the show started running four months ago. And it's going strong. The ratings are good. We're signing contracts for a second season.

So since we started shooting the day after I met Joey… this is mine and Joey's six months anniversary… since we met… our first date was two days later but somehow I think the day we met is more worth an anniversary than that lousy date… lousy in the sense that I made a fool of myself not that I didn't have a good time cause Joey… ah… Joey… insert dreamy state here…

So I here we are. It's been six months. My god, six months!

It's 5 am in the morning and I'm sitting here, in bed, listening to her breathing. She has a lovely way of breathing in her sleep, making a slight noise that could be defined snorring but it's such a sweet snorr that it just doesn't deserve that title. It's just sweet, the way her chest rises, the way she holds her hand under the head…

I am so whipped. Just yesterday she was upset cause she couldn't find ice cream anywhere and I drove all the way to Boston to get her some. It was a lousy move when it comes to my male pride and I know there were a couple of giggles around the set when I was late for a scene cause I drove 30 minutes to get my girlfriend an ice cream. But I loved the way she suddenly turned better and smiled. I know that the problem wasn't the ice cream, it was the fight she had with her sister who showed up a week ago at her appartment and didn't find her there… and there after lots of searching she found her at my place… that was a bit ugly…

Her sister, Bessie, had a child at 19. I suppose it's understandable to overreact a bit. But still she should trust her.

I know it would be a lot simpler if we slept at her appartment, since she lives alone while I have a roommate. But somehow she likes it better here. She never says why, but she always decides she wants us to sleep here. Not that I mind or anything. She already has her own drawer full of clothes. God, I love that.

I am whipped.

Oh yeah, back to the ice cream thing. So, the problem wasn't the ice cream. But getting her the ice cream helped. It was a gesture meant to say I'll do anything. And by God I will.

I love watching her sleep. She is so peaceful. So beautiful. Actually she's always beautiful. How can anyone believe someone like her isn't loved (like in the show) is beyond me. I mean, don't get me wrong, Jen is beautiful too. She definitely fits the role of blonde bombshell (although she's much smarter than that)… But Joey is more beautiful than Jen. Joey has a way of looking at you in a way that really turns your insides out… Can you tell I'm whipped? Hehe, not that I mind. It really is a lovely kind of whipped.

So today is our six months anniversary. I have to surprise her somehow. I've been thinking about this for two weeks now and so far I haven't come up with anything. Which is weird considering I used to be known for my grand gestures. But somehow nothing seems to fit her. She is too much for me, for my grand gestures. I always have to outdo myself with her. Not that I mind that, I really don't. Just that sometimes I just sit and wonder what she wants me. For some reason she seems to. insert happy smile here

Right, back to grand gestures. But then again, Joey is not much into grand gestures. She likes it simple and nice. I love that about her. She is simple and nice.

She smiles in her sleep and I wonder what she's dreaming. And suddenly I know just the right thing to do for this six months anniversary that we have.

I can hear her coming a mile away. She's not much of a morning person. But I'm not complaining since neither am I.

"Potter" I greet her when she leans against the kitchen door looking half asleep and entirely adorable.

"Witter… it's 8 am… what the hell?"

"There's a Tom and Jerry marathon on Cartoon Network today, I didn't want to miss it" I winked at her.

"You know recently a smart guy invented a thing called video for situations such as this. Have you heard of it?"

"I might have. But you know, in order to get this marvellous invention, you gotta have a thing called money."

"…last time I checked there was a television network giving you money for you to show your obnoxious face on screen."

"Yes but this obnoxious and handsome face has yet to renegotiate its contract that it signed when it was not on screen yet in not so profitable conditions…"

Joey sighs and gives up. She normally wouldn't and I love that about her, the way we argue day and night about the silliest of things. We borrowed that from our characters that in the show are supposed to be enemies but it doesn't really come out that way. Actually a recent poll has voted us 'the most expected couple' of the show. Everyone wants us to hook up. And I'd have no problem with it but Nigel is calling the shots and since he's inspiring the show from his own childhood, I have a feeling it's not gonna happen soon. Unless he runs out of ideas. Which he probably won't. Darn.

I did get to kiss her in one episode, but she had to reject me. I barely touched her lips that she pushed me away. She explained that she couldn't let me kiss her more than a second otherwise the whole rejection thing wouldn't come out right. I don't think I need to mention how good hearing that made me feel.

"Pacey? Earth to Pacey!"

I drifted away again. I seem to have gotten the habbit of thinking too much since I met Joey. She's rubbing off on me.

"Yes dear" I fake sugary voice.

"So what are you doing up at this hour anyway?"

"I told you, Tom and Jerry marathon is on."

She's not buying it. She taps her foot on the floor and expects a more believable explanation. Let's see…

"I felt the sudden urge to cook some eggs…"

She's still tapping her foot.

"I can't sleep…" I try the simple version.

"…and why can't you sleep?"

"Because you snore?"

"I don't snore!"

"I beg to differ"

"I haven't snored for six months, why would I start now?"

I make a face that she doesn't like.

"Pacey Witter, I do not snore."

"Josephine Potter, you do."

"Don't call me Josephine."

She is so cranky in the morning. Is it really bad of me that I'm enjoying this? I have a hard time keeping a straight face.

"It's your name. You don't like it go argue with your mother, don't take it out on me"

"Leave my mother out of this."

"You brought her up"

That was a lousy come back and she knows it. This is not my finest hour.

"So why are you up?"

"I thought we already established the fact that you snore"

"We did no such thing."

"Okay, I established, since you're in no position to judge…"

"Excuse me, we are talking about me here… of course I am in a position to judge!"

"But you sleep while you snore! How can you tell whether or not you do it?"

Small pause.

"I just know."

I win this round.

"…and anyway, even if I snore, and I've snored for so long, you had enough time to get used to it. Didn't seem to bother you all the other hundreds of nights you spent in my bed…"

"…don't you mean my bed?"

"Our bed."

"…in my appartment. Bought with my money…"

"…but we both sleep in it so it's ours."

"…but we don't live together… not officially anyway…"

Suddenly the conversation turned serious. She throws a questioning look my way.

"…I wouldn't mind if we did…" I am babbling and I can't believe I said that. This wasn't really planned. Joey's eyes turn wide and I have the distinct inpression that every trace of sleepiness has just left her mood.

"…but what would Dawson think? Would we three fit here?"

My heart beats at a crazy rate. Suddenly I really want her to live with me.

"…there's always your place…"

She sits down on a chair. A moment later she looks straight into my eye.

"Okay, but we take your bed."

I am officially speechless. But I have to ask.

"Why do you always insist we sleep in my bed?"

Joey blushes.

"…it smells like you…" she smiles that half smile of her and I fall in love all over again.

I don't even think. I was going to make a cake. She's always loved vanilla cakes and always complained she can't find any. Mine is not even half ready. But this is the moment. I just take it out of the oven and put in front of her. She's confused.

"This deserves a celebration, doesn't it?"

"…you knew I'd say yes?"

"…no, not really… but if you said no, there was always our six months anniversary to celebrate" I wink at her and take the rose that was placed on the cupboard behind the door and just place it next to the cake.

"That's two days from now, Pace…" she smiles sweetly. I can't believe she remembered. She didn't mention a thing!

"No. We met exactly six months ago."

"Yes but we kissed two days later."

"We'll celebrate that too if you want."

There's that half smile again.

"By the looks of it we'll celebrate only that. You can't actually expect me to take this vanilla puddle seriously."

…and we're back to the banter… and I'm loving it… actually I'm loving her… I think I'd love her if she threw plates at me… and that's actually kinda scary….


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Pacey asked to move in with me. Hell, this is moving so fast… But I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I am done analyzing my life, I am living it fully. For the first time in my life I act first, think later, and I am enjoying it. And I can't believe it.

"Joey?" Nigel is waking me up from my reverie. We're all in his office, we're doing some sort of a review of the first season before taking a holiday. Yeah, we're taking a holiday… Good moment to move in with Pacey. He's coming with me to see my parents and get them used to the idea of me having an… intimate boyfriend. Does that sound old fashioned or what? But after Bessie, my parents are very old fashioned. Can't say that I blame them. I wish I were less understanding though, cause it's kind of ruining my life, this attitude…

"Yes, sorry." I half smile and blush at my absence. Pacey squeezes my hand and my face is instantly covered with a grin. His power over me is worrying to say the least.

"So, anyway, we took a survey among our viewers, you've had glimpses of that, but now I am going to show it fully to you. It's got good points and bad points and I am showing it to you so that you can be aware of what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong and maybe get better by next season. Not that you weren't great, cause you were, but there's always room for better and I want to try to get there."

I sigh. The season had ended with a kiss of Sam's and Colby's. By the looks of it, the whole next season will center on that. I kept hoping that someone would think of hooking Sam and Petey. I mean, it makes sense. They fight so much, there's got to be something there, it's common knowledge that you pick on the one you love. But Sam and Petey got one kiss in a very isolated episode and then they both pretended it never happened. Darn.

"So, the basics…", Nigel starts "most popular character: Petey".

"Petey!" Dawson exclaims.

"Yes, Petey."

"It makes sense" Jen says calmly. "He's the funniest character, the funniest characters are always the most popular."

"But Colby is the main character!"

"So?" Jen is still calm. I love that about her, she can be so controlled, without actually being rigid.

Dawson is left out of words. I think he's a bit hurt by the popular choice of Petey, but it makes sense to me. Petey is the only character that's actually real, whose reactions I actually understand. Colby is trying to be an idealized version of the teenage boy but he's actually kind of boring and occasionally annoying, while both Sam and Amy are so stuck around him that they don't have much of a personality. I would have picked Petey too. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I'm in love with Pacey. I smile again. Absolutely nothing.

Pacey looks a bit surprised. He's always been a bit too modest. Under that cocky attitude I discovered a very self-conscious person and although I like the fact that he's not arrogant, he really is too down on himself sometimes. This should help.

Nigel waits for us to focus on him again.

"Least popular character: Amy"

Jen smiles: "That was pretty obvious". She doesn't seem to mind, but in the end I suppose she's right. She was the bad girl from New York. And someone had to be least favorite character. I would have minded though. I admire her coolness again.

"Favorite episode: Double Date"

I grin widely at the choice. That was the episode Sam and Petey hooked up. I heard a rumor going around the studio that the public wanted Sam and Petey to hook up but I didn't think about it much till now. Pacey squeezes my hand again and my grin turns even wider.

"Of course" Dawson mumbles. I think he's still taken back by Petey's popularity.

"Dawson, don't take everything personally, the public is judging the characters, not you."

"But they identify me with the character. If Colby has a bad image, I have a bad image and my acting career is ruined!"

"That's ridiculous, there are so many actors who play the bad guy and are very popular in the movie business" Pacey points.

"But I don't play the bad guy! Colby is supposed to be the good guy!"

"Dawson, you're being childish."

"I knew I shouldn't be so agreeable with you two hooking up" he glares at us and I can't believe he said that.

"You have got to be kidding. What does that have to do with Pacey and me?" I reply angrily.

"You take your relationship on screen! Your characters are supposed to hate each other but they flirt all the time!"

"They are not supposed to hate each other, they are supposed to be bantering all the time, but they are friends…" Jen explains, still calm.

"But they are not supposed to be flirting! She is supposed to be with me not with him!"

"Dawson, calm down." Nigel tries to intervene.

"And now you want to move in together. What's next, marriage? Why don't we make this a show about Sam and Petey, forget that it's got Colby's name in the title. In the end it's just a name, right?" Dawson storms out.

Pacey is squeezing my hand so hard, I think it might turn red. But I'm glad he does, the physical pain helps my anger.

"You two want to move in together?" Nigel raises an eyebrow at us.

"Yes." I say.

"I don't think I can live with Dawson anymore, especially not after that" Pacey says and I can't help but wonder if that's why he's moving in with me. I throw him a wondering look, but he doesn't notice it.

"Can't you get your own apartment?"

"I can't afford it."

"It's just that… I didn't think you two were that serious"

"What does this have to do with anything?" I ask irritated.

"Guys, Dawson is partially right. You do take your relationship to the screen. Not that I mind, I love the Sam-Petey dynamic. But if the public finds out about you two, it will become more stuck on the Sam-Petey idea and the show's popularity might be affected. And if you two live together, it will be a matter of time till the public finds out."

"Why would the show's popularity be affected by the Sam – Petey idea? I think it's quite the contrary, they'll stick around waiting for it to happen."

"Joey, the Sam – Petey thing is not going to happen."

"Why not! They have great chemistry!"

"No, you and Pacey have great chemistry. Don't confuse that with Sam and Petey."

"But the way they bicker constantly, the way they act about each other that shows something."

"That shows that they are both very sharp tongued characters."

"They are only like that around each other. They have a special ritual. That shows something. You tease the one you love…"

"Joey, I understand that you like the idea of kissing Pacey in front of the cameras but I don't think that is a good way to lead our show. The show is about Sam and Colby, not about Sam and Petey."

I suddenly remember that this show is about him. Probably in his world, his Sam and his Petey actually bicker for real and hate each other. Maybe his Petey is really a guy that his Sam wouldn't like. Although if they talk anything like our Sam and Petey I am doubting it. But since Nigel's show is so personal and Colby is supposed to be Nigel, it only makes sense that he wants to focus the show around Colby. That's the rational me talking. The emotional me kicks in though.

"You're missing a great storyline. A classic. Enemies becoming lovers. It's as old as times. Just because you're stuck around this whole Sam-Colby thing. But they don't fit. They're good friends but they're boring as lovers. They don't fit"

"Joey, you play in the show, you don't produce it, you don't direct it and you certainly don't write it. You have no word in this. I am just asking you to be discreet."

"My relationship with Pacey is none of anyone's business except me and Pacey."

"No, Joey, it doesn't work like that. You and Pacey have become public figures, whatever you two do affects the show. I am not forbidding your relationship…"

"Forbid! Forbid! You have no right to forbid!"

"I have every right to fire you though if I don't like your behavior."

"Go ahead!"

"I will not do that. I am just asking you to be discreet"

"Oh, screw you!" I shout and storm out. Who does he think he is, talking to me about my private life. The bastard. He has no right.

Pacey comes after me and stops it.

"Joey!"

"You just sat there and let him talk to me like that!"

"Joey, you have to understand he's right…"

"Right! How can he be right!"

"We are public figures. And what we do, does affect the show. And he has the right to ask us to be discreet…"

His words hurt. Physically.

"Pacey…"

"Joey, I am just asking you to see through his point of view. That's all. I don't want you two fighting, I don't want you off the show, let's just…"

"Off the show!" I suddenly calm down. "You think he'd do that?"

"Let's just… let's just be discreet, okay? I don't want to be in the papers anyway…"

"I don't want to be in the papers either…" He's right. I just sigh and let him hug me.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I enter my apartment with a sigh. I tried to act like nothing happened, I tried to help Joey forget everything that came out with that stupid meeting but I'm no miracle worker. Actually I was pretty scared of this from the beginning. Yes, I kept the thought in the back of my mind, trying hard to ignore it, but I knew it would come to this. Something had to happen, it was just too beautiful. I'm not meant to have something like that.

Dawson is sitting in the kitchen, looking pretty pensive. I hesitate for a minute, but this is something I have to solve. Because suddenly moving in with Joey doesn't seem like such a good idea and I have nowhere else to go.

"Hey D" I say carefully.

"Hey Pacey…" he turns to face me and he doesn't look mad. I let go of the breath I was holding.

"I'm sorry for what happened in there…" I say.

"No, it's not your fault. Don't apologise. I don't know what came over me" he replies and my breath is going back to normal.

"Look I understand where you're coming from and you're right. Petey and Sam were supposed to be enemies but me and Joey turned them into friends that bicker. I am aware of that, I've been aware of that since forever, but I kinda hoped no-one else would notice… cause I can't act like I hate Joey. I'm not that good of an actor. I'm not sure anyone is"

"It's okay, I totally overreacted…"

"No, it's not okay…"

"Pacey" he interrupts me and suddenly I'm nervous again. "It's okay. You're in love with her. I can't blame you for that" he rises and goes to his room.

It's not okay. He does blame me. He says he doesn't but he does. I knew it was too good to be true.

The phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Pace" Joey's voice suddenly calms me down.

"Hey, Jo"

"You talked to him?"

"What? Who?"

"Dawson, of course. You talked to him?"

"Oh. Yeah I talked to him and… Jo…" suddenly this fear takes over me. It's over. The good part is over. Because now the world kicked in. Now other people are involved in our relationship and it's never gonna be the same again.

"Yes, Pacey…"

"Jo, I don't think it's a good idea anymore…"

"What?"

"To move in with you… I've given it thought and… it's way too soon, we've only known each other for six months now, and I'm not even 20 yet and you're not 19 and I don't think we're ready for this…"

A long pause at the other end. I can tell she's hurt. But I'm right. I can't move in. Not now. Not after today.

"What about going home to meet my parents?"

"I can do that" I sigh.

"You can do that or you want to do that?"

"I want to do that"

"Don't be too enthusiastic about it…" she says sarcastically.

"Listen, Jo, I can't do this right now. I said I'll come and I'll come." The fear is getting bigger and bigger and I can't stop it. I can't stop sounding bitter and distant, I can't stop saying these things that hurt her and I know they hurt her but I can't stop. And so my fear comes true, I make it come true, and I feel like I'm watching myself from a distance as I hurt the one person that means most to me in this world. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"Don't do it on my account, okay?" she says and she hangs up on me. I throw the phone down and I go to my room. I let myself fall on the bed and suddenly the fear is replaced by anger. Pure anger and hatred at the world around me. Because they won't let me be with Joey. Because they just ruined the only time in my life when I felt genuinely happy. From now on it's all downhill.

Dawson comes in some time later. I don't even know how long I've been there, just lying on my bed and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Images run through my mind, random images that have nothing to do with each other, Doug's CD's, Carrie's rugrats, mom's fake smile, dad's severe look, Joey's smile, my first girlfriend, my first kiss, the smell of the warm summer air… I don't analyze them I just think them, images floating through my mind, images that don't matter, they're just there…

"Pacey…" Dawson sits down next to me.

"Dawson."

"When are you moving out?"

"I'm not. Not anymore."

"What? Why?"

My face is made of stone. My brain registers a desire to laugh sarcastically, but my face won't do it. I settle for laughing in my brain and keep staring at the ceiling.

"Not because of me, I hope", he says again.

I've grown to know Dawson, these six months I've lived with him. He's a decent guy, generally, and he always does what he's been tought to do, what he thinks is right, what people generally think it's right. But sometimes, just sometimes, the real him kicks in and he turns out to be a very selfish person. Ironically, I've grown to believe that if he actually let out that person more often he wouldn't be that selfish. But since he keeps it locked in, it only gets out in case of explosion and that always happens in a massive way. Right now the nice Dawson is seated beside me. He's feeling guilty about his explosion of selfishness and tries to mend things.

"No Dawson. It's not because of you. Me and Joey are not ready for that kind of commitment."

"I'm sorry to hear that"

"Yeah, well, it happens to the best of them. We're way too young to consider this, it's better this way."

"You guys had a fight?"

He's trying to be supportive now. Great. I don't need supportive right now. I need tolerance and ignorance.

"We're okay." I say indifferently. Actually I kept an indifferent tone throughout the conversation, it's like my face and body and voice have decided to turn to ice all of a sudden. I'm miles away. I'm not here. Such a strange sensation.

"If you ever need someone to talk to…"

He's still trying to mend his guilty conscience. Great. Now I actually have the ingrate part of having to convince him that he's a great friend so I can get him off my back. Cause he doesn't care about me and Joey. He just wants to act like he does.

"I know, D, I'll come straight to you."

I think he finally ran out of things to say.

"Okay… I'll leave you to… whatever it was that you were doing before I came in here…"

Finally I let out a chuckle but don't say anything. I don't have anything to say.

"See you later" he gets up and leaves.

The door closes behind him and I'm still in the same position I was when he came in. Actually I've been in the same position for hours. Has it really been hours?

The phone is ringing again. It's right there on the nightstand but I can't be bothered. Dawson answers after three rings. He knocks a few moments later.

"Pacey… It's Joey…"

I sigh deeply. I really am not in the mood for this. I am not in the mood for anything. I turn to the phone and I answer on a cold voice.

"Hey Jo"

"Hey Pace" she says. She's been crying. I can tell. I can always tell. I know her too well. And it's only been six months. The fear kicks in again.

"Joey…"

"I'm sorry, Pacey… I just… what is happening?"

"Well, you know, every couple has to go through some serious crisis… and I think we've just come to one…"

"But what is the crisis, Pace? The fact that Dawson doesn't like your popularity? The fact that Nigel doesn't agree with our involvement with each other? I don't care about that… do you?"

"No, Joey, I really couldn't care less about all of that."

"Than what is it?"

The words come out of my mouth naturally although I never thought of them before.

"Joey, I started a ride when I met you. I just got in and went with it and I never actually sat down and thought where it's taking me. And now… I'm starting to think…"

I can hear her sigh.

"… I just think we should slow down a little… that's all… I'm still coming with you to meet your parents and to see Bessie again, perhaps improve the impression I've made when she came here… but this whole moving in thing has got to be postponed."

She's still not saying anything and I feel like the biggest ass alive.

"You know I'm right, Jo. You know we're moving way too fast… right?"

"…I know… it's just that…"

Pause again.

"…that?" I try helping her.

"It's nothing. Really. I don't want… I don't want us to fight…"

"I don't want us to fight either, but I don't want us to avoid our problems either."

"We don't have any problems, you said that already. We just need to sit down and think."

"….yeah…"

"…we'll talk later."

Suddenly tears are in my eyes. I mentally kick myself and stop them. There's nothing to cry about. I hang up the phone and go back to staring at the ceiling.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

How can things go so wrong in such a short time? Just a few days ago I was happy. I had the perfect boyfriend and a great job doing what I love doing, and I was on the verge of taking a vacation and going on a trip with my perfect boyfriend.

Now suddenly I have a conflict at work and my boyfriend is shutting down on me. I felt him on the telephone. I felt him shutting down on me. I hate this.

We haven't talked since yesterday and although that might seem like a short time for other people, it's a long time for us. We used to talk all the time.

I spent most of the night thinking. Remembering everything that has happened. How he swept me off my feet. How he turned me from an 'Ice Queen' (cause I was that, even though no-one actually said it…) to a free person, someone who is open to life and its opportunities. But I can't be that without him. He gave me life. And now he's killing it.

I know I sound needy. I know it's not normal to depend like that on someone. I know that in the end we should be independent and learn to stand on our own two feet. But he was so perfect in the way he supported me… it's like having the ground taken right from under my feet and I fall and fall and have yet to touch something stable. All in a matter of 24 hours.

I sigh as I walk through Capeside. I have grown to love this little town in these six months. It's small, it reminds me of my own hometown. It's beautiful. But right now it hurts. It's so small that every other second I pass by a place that reminds me of Pacey. Like there's that video store where we are shooting and it's supposed to be his workplace in the show. Then there's the docks, where we took endless walks just about every night ever since the weather got warm. And who can forget the park, that small park situated right in the center of Capeside, where me and Pacey kissed so many times and where kisses turned to heavy make-out sessions discreetly protected by the shaddows of the night? Great, I am turning poetic.

I love him. I know I never actually said it out loud, but I do. But then again, how can I say it, when he doesn't either? Of course I didn't doubt it much till yesterday. Hell, he was even going to move in with me, what more of a proof can I get? But no… He took that back. Too much too soon he says. And here I start wondering. Does he? I mean, he must feel something, but what? Why did he suddenly shut down? Yeah, Dawson was an ass but what does that have to do with me? He doesn't honestly believe that our performance in the show will be affected by our relationship, does he?

It's pouring and I'm enjoying it. It helps a lot. The rain. It's a warm summer rain and it's summer. And I'm babbling to myself cause my stable point in life has just turned unstable. Oh wait, this relationship is six months old. I try to think of how it was for me before. Of things I did without him, before I met him. I couldn't have possibly not have had any fun before meeting him, could I? What was it? What did I do when I was down? What brought me up? Who did I talk to? There must have been someone! I can't think of anything right now. All I can think of is Pacey. And I try to stop, I try to be normal, I try not to think about him, I try to pretend like I'm on my own two feet, but I fail miserably. I suppose it comes with the territory with being the youngest in the family. You always depend on someone, you get used to it, you crave it.

For a second I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. There he is, on the docks, standing in the rain, looking at the water. I stop and look at him. There's just two of us on the dock, all the other Capeside residents have ran off from the rain, probably. But I like the rain, even if it's getting harder and harder. It makes me feel better about myself, although for a second I can't help thinking that I'm not looking at my best right now. If he turns around and looks at me he'll probably be surprised at my wet hair, my make-up falling off, my soaked clothes. But the thought leaves my mind as soon as it arrives. He's there. Right in front of me. Ten or so feet away from me. Looking into the water. I can't move.

I honestly don't know what to do. My body longs for him, I have to physically stop myself from going forward. My heart longs for him too. My ears long for the sound of his voice, that sexy, husky voice that could turn me into a pile of goo just by asking me what time it was. My breath longs for his smell, a faint touch of cologne, just enough to sense it but not enough to be bothered by it, a cologne that I don't know to be used by anyone else. Or maybe it's not the cologne. Maybe it's him. Maybe all these things affect me like this because they're his. It's like a vicious circle, I don't even know if I'm attracted to him because I like his voice or if I like his voice cause I'm attracted to him.

Leave it to me to think too much. Jen laughs at me because of this. Of course, Jen left last night to be with Drue. I can't help envy their relationship. They bicker constantly but they always yell their problems out loud through that bickering. They always talk about what's bothering them. Or maybe it's the grass that's greener on the other side. Maybe she sometimes envies me for my relationship.

My thoughts run from one topic to another but I am still on the dock, not moving. Looking at him.

He is looking at his hands. I love his hands. They can be so tender and yet so strong. He can carry me in his arms with those two hands. He can touch me in places that no-one has ever touched me before with those two hands. He can take my hand in his and squeeze it lightly… then while we'd walk, he'd brush his thumb over my palm and I'd know right then and there that everything is going to be alright. But, of course, it's not. Cause he's shutting down on me and I suddenly feel panic. I will lose him. I will lose the best time of my life. I will lose my first and who knows, maybe only love. I can't let him go.

I take two steps forward but suddenly stop again realizing I can't think of anything to say.

"What is happening to us, Jo?"

He hasn't moved. He didn't even turn his head. For a moment, I think I am dreaming, I wonder if his lips moved. I didn't see them moving. Of course, the heavy rain is obscuring the view, but still. Suddenly he turns his head and faces me. And I realize I didn't hear wrong. He did talk to me.

"That's what I want to know, too." I step forward and lean on the dock near him.

He has turned his face to the sea again. His whole face is stoned, except for his lips. He keeps biting his lips and that's the only sign I have of him feeling anything.

"Why are you shutting out on me, Pace?"

He winces.

"This is our first real conflict, Jo."

"But what is the conflict about? We didn't have a fight. Not with each other anyway. If only I knew what the problem was, maybe I could fix it."

"We work together while having a relationship, Jo. That was bound to cause some sort of friction."

"Why? Because Dawson is being childish and is blaming his poor popularity on our lovelife rather than on his weak acting skills? You can't possibly consider that a problem, Pace. That is not a problem. Not one of ours, anyway. It is Dawson who is at fault, it is his problem and he might as well sort it out himself. I don't see why it has to interfear with us."

"In a perfect world, Jo, you'd be right. But things are not like that in our world."

"Why not!" Please don't tell me he gave up on us. Cause he sounds like he has. And it scares the hell out of me. I think I'd much rather have a fight.

"Because Nigel agrees with him. And if Nigel agrees with him, he will pressure us about it. Because in a way he's right. I can't totally act like I hate you, Jo… not even when I call you Sam…"

"But you're not supposed to hate me, Pace. Colby, Sam and Pete grew up together. Yes, Sam and Pete banter and bicker all the time but they do care about each other in their own twisted way. It's just their way of communicating. I think we managed to express that quite well. Just the way we should. I am very proud of the way we handled it, actually."

He bites his lip again. Then he smiles.

"That's what I understood from that script too. But I think Nigel and Dawson disagree with us. And this is not over, Jo. This is just the beginning. And I think it will get worse."

"Why?"

"Because the show is successful, Jo. You and me are already not Pacey and Joey. We are Pacey Witter and Joey Potter, stars of the hot new teen show that people so crave about. Newspapers and tabloids already cover us. How long do you think it will take them to figure out that we're together? If they haven't already… And then they're gonna start prying, they'll start rumours, and every cameraman that ever worked on this show will tell his side of the story spiced up with the fact that he might have caught us in the storage room a couple of times, and then of course there will be all the extras and the whole world dishing about us and our hot steamy relationship and by the time you'll actually want to say something about it on camera, you'll realize that you can't say anything that they believe cause they already printed all sorts of sick rumours that are way more interesting than the boring reality of us being a normal teenage couple."

Wow.

"So you're breaking up with me in advance because you think that we're not able to survive this?"

"No! I don't want to break up with you! I…"

Complete silence. I hold my breath while waiting for his answer.

He suddenly turns to me and kisses me. One of the most passionate kisses that I ever received, and this coming from a person who for the last six months has dated an expert on passionate kisses.

Before I can think of what's going on, he pushes me towards the bench on the edge of the dock, without actually breaking his lips from mine. I have turned putty in his hands yet again and the funny part is that I'm enjoying it. I love it when he turns all macho on me.

We have reached the bench and I want to sit down on it but he stops me. He breaks the kiss and looks me in the eyes. The cold rain doesn't even register anymore for I am on fire. And a matching flame is present in his stare. My breath becomes laboured and I feel the now familiar ache, the desire to touch him. I look around and then I come back to his eyes who now have a hint of a mischievious glint in them.

"Pace…" I whisper. And that's the last rational thing I do before he lays me down on the grass behind the bench.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

For the past three days Joey and I have been hanging on to each other like our lives depended on it. We don't talk anymore. I don't know why she doesn't but I just shut up in hopes that ignoring our problems will make them go away. Maybe someone up there in the sky will realize that all I want in this world is to hold her hand and everything will be alright.

Everything has become more passionate. We haven't separated for more than a couple of minutes in a row. Dawson has gone to see his parents and Joey decided to move in. We make love in a more desperate manner. Hickeys and bruises started appearing on our skins as a result of that.

Unfortunatly it's not going to go away. Tomorrow we leave for her hometown and I will meet her parents. And this whole thing couldn't have come at a worst possible moment.

We of course don't talk about that either.

"So, miss Potter, what is it that you wish to do for today in this empty town?"

She gets a wicked smile and I get the usual butterflies.

"I don't know… what can two people do in an empty town?" she raises her eyebrows and I'm a goner.

"They can…" I get closer to her, so close that I can feel her breath in my face "…go for a walk…" I grin at her.

"That is a definite possibility" she grins back. "But we have been walking for a long time now. I want to do something different today…" a shaddow appears in her eyes for a second and I know the unspoken ending of that sentence.

But we don't talk about that.

"Well… we could rent a boat and go sailing…" I keep my grin. Her smile is back on and I lean in and continue speaking in her ear. "Wind in our face… the smell of the sea… you in a bikini… OW!"

"It's not warm enough for a bikini" she decides and gets up.

"Jo, it's July…"

"…and your point is?"

I sigh dramatically.

"Fine, just put that bikini in the bag… we'll find a way to warm up" I wink.

She sits on my lap and gets whispers in my ear.

"Well if we do that, what will we need a bikini for?"

I swallow and try to get my breath back. Fat chance.

"Well, now that you mentioned it…" I whisper cause I don't have the strength to do anything more "…what do we need a boat for?"

She smiles a sexy smile at me. I can tell she's a bit turned on, although she does a pretty good job at hiding it.

"…well, I've always loved swinging back and forth…"

She batters her eyelashes and swings a litle… and it would be funny if it weren't so hot.

"Of course, we can never have enough swinging…" I swallow thickly.

"Good." She gets up and goes towards my room. "You do what you have to do to get us a boat and I'll go pack."

I can't move.

So we are out sailing. The weather is beautiful. Sun is up, the wind blows just enough not to be hot, Joey's in a bikini, there's not a soul around us, I can't help looking at Joey, she's got her back on me – and what a beautiful back it is! – she's in a bikini…

Can you tell I want her? Like… now?

I allow the boat to drift and head towards her. She's looking at the sea and she's got a look on her face that fills my heart with all kinds of warm and fuzzy stuff. She seems to be completely smitten by the sea.

"It's beautiful out here, Pace…" she smiles.

"It is indeed" I say, my eyes never leaving her face.

"Thank you… for everything…"

I'd say 'you're welcome' but I get an unpleasant feeling in my stomache about the actual meaning of those words. Are we finally going to talk?

She turns and looks at me while keeping her dreamy smile.

"I love sailing with you, Pace."

Guess the talk is gonna have to wait.

We start kissing. I don't even know who made the first move, it's like we drifted towards each other.

One cannot have enough Joey Potter kisses.

She gets off the boat and I have the same uncomfortable feeling in my stomache. We made love on the boat, but she wasn't there. She had this absent way of making love, something I wasn't very used to coming from her. I almost stopped at some point, but she kept on going. It was like 'don't stop, I like thinking about something else while making love to you'. Ugh.

"I have to go home and pack" she says.

"Of course" I say coldly. I think she picked up on the tone of the voice cause she's suddenly looking at me. She was finally looking at me, like she was finally noticing I was there.

"Pacey…" she starts, but I throw her a cold look and she stops.

Too little too late. I don't need her pity.

I don't wanna go see her parents, try and be nice and get along with all her relatives, when I'm not even sure whether or not she and I are going to make it after this summer.

"If you wanna go see your parents alone, why don't you just tell me?" I say.

She's hurt. I can tell. Why is she hurt? Because she wants me to go with her or because that sounded harsh? I didn't mean to be harsh. I'm just tired of not talking. I want to talk. I want to know. I'm tired of waiting for her to say the words.

"If you don't wanna come meet my parents, all you have to do is say so."

"I said nothing of the sort."

"No, you're trying to lay it all on me. Well, you know what, you can't! I refuse to ask you not to come! If you don't want to come you will not come on your own accord!"

Now she's pissed.

"I'd be a lot happier about this trip if you acted like you wanted it to happen"

"When did I act like I didn't want you to come? You're the one making everything worse!"

"I am the one making it worse? Making what worse? I am the one who wasn't there while making love to you? I am the one who would rather stare at the water than talk to you?"

"You are the one that started this whole conflict! Damn it, this isn't supposed to be a conflict! I don't even know what the conflict is about! Now is the first time any of us has raised a voice and yet for the last week we acted like cats and dogs!"

She swore. Joey never swears.

"I thought we had that covered" I try to stay calm.

"We had nothing covered! Dawson is pissed and Nigel is a bit upset and you're turning it into world war 3! You are willing to let a minor work conflict come between us! And that makes me wonder how important this whole 'us' thing is to you!"

"Joey…"

"Don't you Joey me!" she screams and I can see unshed tears in her eyes.

I don't know what to say. How she managed to turn this all on me, I can't say, but after spending the whole day feeling neglected I suddenly have the distinct feeling that I have neglected her. Not a pretty feeling, I tell you.

"I am not letting a minor conflict come between us…"

Her tears are gone now and her face is cold.

"No, of course not, everything you do is right, you are the perfect boyfriend and I am to blame for everything that's wrong in our relationship."

Okay, that right there pisses me off. That is an elaborate way to blame me for everything.

"Well you said it not me"

"Well if I'm such a pathetic excuse for a girlfriend and you so definitely deserve better, why don't we just break up and you go find something better!" she screams at me.

She doesn't get it. This isn't about me wanting better it's about her deserving better. I suddenly realize what I've been doing for the past week. I've been waiting for the inevitable break-up because a relationship between a guy like me and a girl like her could never work. And I realized the break-up was coming when Dawson and Nigel disapproved of our relationship.

This is all so clear to me I can't believe I didn't see it before. I look at her and I realize I have to say something but I can't find the right words. I don't know what she wants of me. During our whole fight she hasn't said anything on whether or not she wants our relationship to go on or not.

All she did was blame me.

She's looking at me, waiting for an answer.

"Right…" she says. "You can't even break up with me properly."

That sounds so much like a 'you're no good speech' it hurts.

"I can't do anything properly" I say and I just leave. I can't talk right now. If I talk right now, I'll take it all out on her. And as much as that would help my ego, I can't do that.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

He just left me here standing on the docks and I'm sitting here thinking and wondering what is going on… does he really want to break up with me? If he does why didn't he just say so? He had the perfect opportunity to do it…

I keep reliving all the events of the past six months. Everything was perfect, where did it all go wrong?

I can't even think properly, my mind has suddenly gone blank. Pacey has all the answers and he's not here right now…

I just sit up and go to his place. I ring the doorbell but no-one answers so I decide to just sit there and wait.

After two hours of waiting my mind has gone from ice-cream to my mother's warm voice, to Bessie's son, Alex, to my dad's baseball cap, to the time I fell off the bike in second grade… I don't know why I am thinking about those things, they have nothing to do with me and Pacey… and yet they do. They are part of my life, like he is. He knows just about everything that ever happened to me. Before we went to sleep at night we'd spend hours talking and I told him so many things I never told anyone…

This whole thing feels so right it can't be over. Not like this.

I hear his steps on the stairs and my heart starts beating wildly. I have no idea what I can say to him, what I can say or do to go back to that place we were before…

I can hear him slowing down but I'm not looking at him. I can feel his eyes on me.

"Potter", he says.

"Witter"

"You forgot something?"

I finally look at him and something in his eyes gives me hope. He looks like he's just as shaken up as I am. Maybe he's just as confused as I am. Maybe he loves me like I love him. Maybe he wants us back. Maybe this whole thing that's happening between us will go back to normal. Maybe this is just that lover's fight thing and tonight we'll be having some wild make-up sex.

Okay, thinking about sex is not a good idea right now.

"You still alive in there, Potter?"

Thank god, he's joking. That means things are not completely screwed.

"You mean have I survived the torture of sitting on these cold steps for two hours? Barely but yes."

I wanted to make some sort of joke, some funny joke to re-instate the banter. What I just said – that wasn't funny. But I rolled my eyes… maybe he'll get what I'm trying to do…

I look at him unsurely. There's a hint of a smile there.

"Well I told you had to announce your visit in advance. What if I was busy?"

He finally opens the door and lets me in.

"What could you possibly be doing?" I say although I pretty much can guess his answer.

"Well, I don't know… I'm a popular guy." He smirks.

"The town is pretty empty right now. Unless you count the dogs"

His smile is fading and I wonder what I said.

"I can't do this with you right now, Potter." He says gravely and my heart skips a beat. "I'm not even funny anymore."

"I hate to break this to you, Pace, but you never were all that funny."

He chuckles.

"You laughed at my jokes."

"I had ulterior motives."

"Like what?"

He dares me with his eyes. I just smirk and say nothing. I never could finish the joke out loud.

"Potter?"

"Witter…"

He sighs and bites his lips. I've always loved it when he did that. He has this way of holding on tight on his lip with his teeth that just… Oh well, I guess you already knew I loved the guy… And if you didn't, I just gave you the final proof.

I blush and stare at my feet. Not that there's much to stare at.

"Can I get you anything?"

My breathing stops for some reason. The words were barely whispered and I think he's talking about more than just a drink.

"I… uhm…"

My palms are sweating.

"I can't leave…"

I look at him unsurely. He seems confused.

"…I… I want my heart back…" I swallow.

He bites his lips again.

"I'll tell you what," he says and his voice is cracking. For some reason that makes me feel good. "I'll trade it for mine…"

My tears burst free and there's no stopping them. I hug him forcefully and I can feel him holding me back and I have gone back home.

I can't stop laughing and crying at the same time.

"That's not a fair trade. I'm rejecting it."

I can feel him smiling.

"I can keep it then?"

"Please… Please keep it…"

An hour ago I thought everything was lost. And now she's in my arms and I feel like I totally have her back.

And for the first time in my life I feel safe enough to talk about how I feel.

"I love you, Jo"

"I love you too, Pace" she says, holding me tighter. All is right in this world after all.

The End


End file.
